Adulting

Adulting

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Being a mom is hard. From birthing, to breastfeeding, to diapers and potty training, behavior issues, school, homework, hormones, keeping them alive … the list is endless. We worry and we don’t sleep and we wish for an escape-hatch in our brains that we could hurl in all the mom thoughts that reside permanently and take up all the space. We cook and we clean and we wash their smelly clothes and wake them up and try to teach them about life and hope that some of it sticks. We try to instill values and teach kindness and compassion and self-worth and self-awareness. We send them off to school and to sports and in cars and on dates and pray they are prepared and safe. We pray and we lecture and we listen and we cry and we yell and we hug and hope it’s enough. Then we try to manage all of the above in our own lives, and over and over again as the days pass.

At some point in my life, I became an adult. They say this happens at 18, but I’m still not convinced I’m quite there yet. My friends and I catch ourselves wondering about our mental age; I swear I’m still 16? How are we not still in high school? Don’t you feel like we just graduated? But no, here we are, with almost adult kids, some of us married for half as long we’ve even been alive, wondering when, exactly, were we supposed to magically arrive at adulthood?! Did we miss the memo? Was I supposed to read a manual 20 years ago? When did this happen?!!

This morning I found myself crying in my car. Hopeless and pitiful, I sat in the driver’s seat crying my eyes out. Feeling like a failure. Like I’ve ablsolutely failed at adulthood. Wanting to go back. Wanting it to be easier, carefree, even in parenting. To sit and play Legos instead of paying tutors, helping them ride tricycles instead of yelling at them to come out of their rooms (I mean, they have to eat eventually!), covering boo-boos with bandaids instead of pestering them about assignments and grades. But part of preparing them for adulthood, this ominous, looming inevitability that strikes us all, is having to let some of the fun go. As parents, we are tasked with ensuring that our children learn to master growing up and taking agency over the to-dos and the deadlines and the responsibilities of life.

But today, I don’t want to be a grown-up. Today it’s just so hard.

My 16-year-old son has severe ADHD. We have tried so many medications, but without success so far. Watching him fail in high school, at least academically, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. In my crying car fit, I managed to write a novel of an email to a teacher/friend (I’m sure she thinks I am an official crazy person) because I needed to vent to someone. And here I am, still writing, still processing how damn hard it is. Of course add on some extra guilt for how hard it must be for his teachers, for the strain it puts on our family, on our marriage… all of it.

All of it is just so damn hard.

Watching your child fail over and over, drowning academically, when my other child barely has to study and glides through school. As a mother, all you think is… how do I help? What do I do? I can’t let them fail!

But that’s the thing about becoming an adult. Sometimes the only person that can help you is… you. For us parents, that is the goal; to help our kids become self-sufficient, responsible, independent people. You hear that this is a hard task, but you think… I’ve got this! My kids will turn out fine. I’m perfectly capable. All they need is love!

But love is not all they need. They need guidance, discipline, resilience, good influences, good grades, emotional intelligence, organizational skills, sleep, exercise, motivation, hygiene, counseling, friends, social skills, study skills, tutors, athletic ability, creative ability, grit, perseverance, faith, self-worth, self-awareness… oh and three healthy-ish meals a day. It’s a dizzying race to be the BEST PERSON EVER. For all of us. We compare our children just like we compare ourselves, and somehow, we fall into this trap of perceived failure over and over again. Always falling short. Never enough.

But to whom? Who are we running at break-neck speeds to out-do and out-perform? Who are we afraid of?!

When my son was in middle school, academics really started to hit hard. It was right before his ADHD diagnoses, and we were really focusing on his grades. It seemed like it was all we talked about. One night when I was praying with him before bed, he looked at me with those goofy pre-teen teeth and his big eyes and said, “I thought I just had to be a good person.”

My heart still breaks thinking about his words to me.

Of course, I assured him, that is the very most important thing. My son has such a tender heart inside that big teenage body, despite his often blank, distracted stare and lack of emotion. Much like myself, he loves deep and wide in his own private way. But how do I motivate him to succeed and still uphold that truth? That being good, kind and loving is enough when the world tells him otherwise? When he’s so behind in school that he feels he has to copy his friend’s work, is that still being a good person? Is what we sacrifice of ourselves to succeed worth the cost? Finding this balance in life, for adults and children, seems to be a forgotten art. The pressure, the invisible, nagging force of it, doesn’t seem to let up sometimes.

Of course, in the grand picture of life, one day I will look back on my son’s struggles and smile, thinking… why did I get so worked up over that? The same way I did over all big hurdles in life; you really can’t see the depths and heights of struggles until you are far beyond them. God works all things for good, it is my daily prayer, and I am thankful for all the good. There is so, so much good. I will look back and wish I could’ve enjoyed the good in the moment, instead of fretting over the bad, instead of panicking over his shortcomings and celebrating his many gifts and talents. I will scold myself for grumbling about my children instead of cherishing every moment with them. The rearview mirror often has the sweetest view. But then again, can’t the future be just as sweet?

Sacrifice is necessary for reward, this we know. Without suffering, there is no joy, and so for that gift I am thankful. In that regard, the past and the future would have no significance without the present tense of suffering. It is the thorns that must grow first on the most beautiful of roses. One cannot exist without the other. There are so many hard but beautiful lessons we must learn in this life. Often they seem painfully slow. We want to rush to fix the failures, to put band-aids on all the boo boos and make them go away. But the timing often isn’t up to us to decide. We must put on patience even if it gnaws at every part of us. Surrender ourselves to our good God, and know that seeds are cracking quietly, slowly, underneath darkness of soil.

Growth, change, goodness. It’s happening all around us, in God’s timing, not ours. I roll my eyes and repeat this thought; the timing is not ours. I pray every day for patience with this realization, because it’s hard and makes me want to whine and throw a temper-tantrum. The timing is NOT OURS. The world screams at us to go faster, but our steady God leans in and whispers… be still and know. Which basically translates to… relax people. I got this. But trusting and surrendering are hard when we are battling so much. We must pray for strength to listen to the whispers over the noise, to find stillness in the chaos, to trust in the timing that is (say it one more time for the people in the back!) NOT OURS.

Well look at me, I’m starting to sound like an adult! Day by day I guess!

But seriously… moms, I see you. I feel you. I know your heart. It aches with the same dream as mine, to help your child have the best life possible. It is our deepest wish and our biggest prayer. Sometimes the ache is so big though, mamas. So heart-breaking and persistent and heavy. Sometimes we just don’t know if it will ever stop. If we can survive it.

Listen closely all you moms, dads, caregivers, teachers, everyone involved in raising up a child… we can, and we will survive this. We will muster up enough adult-ish strength to mold our children into their own unique version of adults, no matter what the timeline looks like. Even when we are grieving, tired, overwhelmed, and just plain done… we persist. Because we are good people. Because we love, and we love and we love again. We lose sleep and cry and don’t know if we can keep going… but we wake up and we keep going anyway and we love the hell out of these little people that are our whole heart and then some.

And someday, when it’s quiet and still and you can reflect on your one colorful, beautiful life, you will realize you haven’t just arrived at adulthood, you have become a bonafide, bad-ass superhero.

Flurries

Flurries

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I see it out of my eye’s corner… a flash of white. Shortly after comes another, and another…

My son tromps out of the house, all backpack and water jug and breakfast hanging on his body like ornaments.

“Look! Snow flurries!” I smile at him.

He smiles back, that toddler grin still residing in his 15-year-old body, long and lean and fit. “I see them! Its funny how they are so tiny, like out of nowhere.”

Slowly the flurries multiply, they melt on the windows of my warm car that has sat idle waiting on my always slow boy, my daughter sitting silent with her headphones in ears behind me. Brooding, quiet, she will turn 13 in 12 more days. I beg her to look at the swirling of flurries, in a voice loud enough to call over the headphones, and I get a flat “oh yeah”. I silently grieve the little girl magic that’s lost in there, resisting.

In 12 more days, I will officially have two teenagers. Time continues its merciless march. I drum up gratefulness and put the car in reverse, steadying breakfast plates and coffee mugs and the eager pup in the middle of it all, and we take our usual route to school. Small talk, check lists, reminders, a quick prayer, love you’s and have a good day’s and then quiet.

Oh, the beautiful quiet.

I am a painfully slow processor, which can be great for creativity but hard for emotions. They set in slowly, blankets of down settling heavy. And when they settle, I am paralyzed under the weight. I feel it deep and full in my soul. It overwhelms and overtakes. It is not a fun place to be when the feelings come. When something is unpleasant, the human reaction is to avoid. And so that’s been my practice, not to feel, not to trudge through, but around. Smile, react with positivity, put it high on a shelf, a relic, out of sight, move on to the next activity. As a mother, necessity calls for this in a way. We are the keeping-it-together-ers of everything. We have to hold everything up, support everyone and everything and manage the feelings of everyone else so we put ours aside. Our feelings take last place, always. Leftovers. Scraps.

The problem with not feeling, of ignoring and looking away, of burying and avoiding and deflecting, is that the feelings stay. They implant and slowly grow, an entanglement of weeds over time. You have to treat them, or they remain. They wrap around your life and block the sun with their growing shade. And we all know you need sunlight to thrive.

And so here I am, with my feelings. This is how they get weeded out… writing. Singing. Creating. Praying. The heaviness, the hurt, the reality of this broken world… this is how the burden is lifted.

There has been a lot of heavy these past few weeks for our family. Big changes, hard news, stress and unknowns. It has been overwhelming. Hard, unbearably at times. Harsh words and worried words and words of comfort that feel hollow as we grapple with the reality. There are a lot of feelings, but not the good kind… the kind I want to run from. The kind of feelings that threaten to choke and tear apart. The kind that come for hope, run at it full force, weapons drawn.

But if there’s one thing I know, one thing that clings to a soul saturated with sadness at times like these, that there is always hope. Always, always, always hope.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

That first tiny snowflake this morning… that beautiful, tiny, unexpected gift that landed on the glass next to me… hope. It whispered to me as I watched it melt into a vapor… I’m here. A few seconds later, with the second flurry… I’m here. And again, and again as the swirling specks swirl around me, dancing in the wind, landing silently… I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.

I’m currently in a Bible study about trust. Oh… the discipline of trust. How much easier it is to worry, to fear. We are commanded to trust, but the world shows us otherwise. This broken world is harsh and cruel. It beats us down and works us in circles and things happen in this life that make us cry out and act out and want to hurt others right back. How do we trust in a world like this?

Last night I picked up Ann Voskamp’s beautiful book One Thousand Gifts, of which I have read a little more than half, and jumped right back into her wrestling with this very thing… trust. How do we trust in the throes of pain and fear and broken? She comes back to one word… eucharisteo. A Greek work which in its origin explains:

2168 euxaristéō (from 2095 /eú, “good” and 5485/xaris, “grace”) – properly, acknowledging that “God’s grace works well,” i.e. for our eternal gain and His glory; to give thanks – literally, “thankful for God’s good grace.”

Thankful for God’s good grace.

Thankfulness.

When we are buried in despair and hopelessness. When we get the bad news. When we have to make the hard decision. When someone hurts us. When we don’t know the next step.

Thankfulness.

This is not to discount our time to grieve, to process, to take the time to go through the feelings. Because you feel them. They are there, not to be ignored, but to go through. We must have our wilderness moments; the suffering. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. We don’t want to be here, in the suffering. But it’s the only way, the through. You must let the hard emotions ebb and flow, let the wave come and crash over you and then get up and take on another. And another. It is not thankfulness instead of, it’s both/and. We take on the waves and give thanks for the water. We give thanks that we can withstand the crash, find our footing again. We give thanks for the taste of salt on our lips, of the coolness on a hot day, of feeling the aliveness of it all. If we can find the smallest amount of thankful, we find hope. And our trust and belief in God’s goodness will tame the weeds of the soul.

This morning, hope fell upon me as a tiny flurry. The smallest, quietest reminder to trust. To be thankful, to find the smallest glimmers of hope and to cling to them… collect them as treasures for this weary heart. Even in the darkness of this cold winter morning, I can find beauty. Flurries of hope. Something that whispers, in the smallest but mightiest of voices…

I’m here.


I’m here.


I’m here.

Dear Daughter (A Memoir on Middle School and Body Hair)

Dear Daughter (A Memoir on Middle School and Body Hair)

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Dear Allie,

I can’t believe you are in sixth grade. Ok, you’ve been in sixth grade for a while now…but in my classic well-known slowness, I am just now processing this. I can’t believe how fast time has gone by.

When you were younger, we knew you were bold, free-spirited, and fiercely independent. You knew what you wanted and did it with no regrets or explanations. You would draw and imagine and sing and dance unapologetically. You loved dinosaurs and lizards and snakes even though other girls were playing Barbie. You never did like a camera, and made that well-known, but that was our problem and not yours. You were so sure of yourself. But what I remember most is the singing…you would find a song you liked and listen to it over and over until you knew every word, belting it out around the house.

https://youtube.com/shorts/FFvIi9Z3mUE?si=WsjuIFMKOLlRdcVD

And then, one day, you stopped singing.

But the truth is, you didn’t. I know this because when we started leaving you home by yourself for a little bit here and there, once you were old enough, you said you loved to be home alone because you could sing as loud as you wanted,

When no one can listen. When no one can criticize or judge. Because at almost 12 years old, that is all you worry about.

I know this because I remember it well, the moments when I stopped dreaming out loud and started dreaming in secret. When I stopped following my heart for fear of judgement or embarrassment.

Fear. Self-doubt. Comparison. All wicked thieves of childhood, of our true gifts and passions and purpose.

I too, used to draw and create and sing. I would run in front of movie theater screens and dance and perform and not think twice. I would write stories and proudly read them aloud. I would draw and draw and love everything I created because it was mine. I would sing broadway songs and whatever the Disney princess ballads were at the time and I was confident I was just as talented as them. I would dream and hope with unashamed abandonment.

And then I started to grow up. I saw sad things in the world. People told me things about myself that started to stick. Not so good things. I was weird, I wanted attention, etc. I wasn’t just a cute, fun little kid anymore. I felt like I needed to hide the things that I loved about myself. I had to learn hard things. I had responsibilities. Other kids were good at things too. Better even, then me. Maybe I wasn’t so great. Maybe I should just start being quiet and being more like everyone else. Maybe I needed to worry about people liking me instead of just doing what I liked.

These thoughts, of course, are not true. But at some point, everyone starts to believe lies about themselves. Because the enemy wants to get us as far from God’s truth as possible, and what better way then to push doubt into our hearts about the very person we were created to be?

My first day of sixth grade, I remember being so worried about my outfit. It was so important to me, what I portrayed on the outside. No one sees inner beauty at first glance. I wanted to impress, to fit in, to belong. And I thought that looks and image determined that. I remember picking out the matching peach-colored Keds (or a knock-off version I’m sure) and rolled-up floral jean shorts with a matching t-shirt. I remember the way those new shoes smelled, the hope in that shoebox that I would be enough.

Me in my sixth grade yearbook (along with my personal opinions about myself).

I remember my body changing, growing, stretching, hair popping up in all sorts of new places. It’s all so strange and weird, and it’s not like you go to school and talk to your friends about all the weird changes going on, you just endure it and go to school and try to act cool and normal. My dad is of Mexican decent, so my hair was extra dark. I had thick eyebrows, fuzzy sideburns, long, dark arm hair and even a slight mustache. I knew enough from my Seventeen magazines that pretty girls did not sport this over-growth of hair, so I did everything in my power to change it.

I’m sure my mom advised me on how to best manage my furry problems, but mostly I tried to figure it out myself. I tried plucking my brows with tweezers, and when that hurt like a you-know-what (even after trying the ice-cube numbing trick), I ended up just shaving them with a razor. Not ideal, but efficient.

The sideburns and arm hair were a bit trickier. Shaving your arms was not a thing people did (according to my peers and advice from beauty magazines), so I experimented with good-ole Nair hair remover. After applying that terrible smelling cream and enduring 30 straight minutes of what felt like a chemical burn, I was left with no hair but a terrible rash that looked even worse.

My back-up option was hair bleach. I mixed this cream with this salt-like stuff, endured yet another terrible smell, and voila! I was left with fuzzy, yellow arm hair that looked 100 percent not at all natural. I did this to my sideburns and mustache as well, until someone at my lunch table asked my why I had bleached my sideburns, which was even more embarrassing that my actual dark sideburns.

Then there was my actual hair, which I would curl and hairspray and cut my own layers into (and occasionally my own bangs) and spray with sun-in to get blonde highlights which always looked more orange than anything and I would hate wearing a pony-tail because of all my neck peach fuzz and of course my dreadful sideburns.

I always wanted a different nose too. Oh how I despised my nose. It was big and smushy and not at like Nikki Taylor or Candace Cameron or Shannon Daugherty’s nose (those were some of the prettiest, most famous teen celebrities when I was your age). My nose was more akin to Tori Spelling’s (an actress on my favorite tv show, Beverly Hills 90210) and everyone knows she eventually had a nose job to change that. That seemed extreme, but I figured I was open to anything to fix my blob of a facial feature.

My favorite TV show in middle and high school!

What I’m saying, dear daughter, is that when I looked in the mirror in sixth grade, I did not like myself. I wanted to be anyone but myself. And looking back now, this breaks my heart. Because God made me perfectly and told me I was beautiful, and I used to believe him, but my 11-year-old self ignored him. Instead, I looked to the world to tell me who I was and how I should look and act. And the world told me I needed to be someone else. The world told me I wasn’t enough. God got smaller and smaller in my life, because why would I trust a Creator of someone as unimportant as me?!

The more you listen to the voices of the world instead of the voice of your Creator, the more you follow a path that wasn’t even meant for you in the first place. You are created with certain genes and traits that make you who you are; with gifts and dreams and talents and a beautiful mind that is ready to learn and grow and create. No one is like you in this whole, huge world. And there are billions and billions of people in it! And you are the only you there is! When I stop and think about how amazing that is, I loose my breath. So why, my sweet child, would you spend you life trying to be anyone but who you were created to be?

I know the pull of the world to tell you who you should be, dear daughter, because I was your age once. Although I didn’t have the troubling wilderness of the internet and YouTube and social media to view the world. Sure, there were fashion magazines and 90210 and Mickey Mouse Club (a singing and dancing show I swore I was going to be on one day). But the noise of the world is so, so much louder now. All day, you see images and ideas of what the world says you are supposed to be. And it all wants your attention, and every second of the day it is trying to drown out that still, small voice of God that tells you the truth about who you are.

Look up, child! Look at me! I created you just as you are. I love you just as you are. I gave you amazing gifts and purpose for life in this world. Do not be afraid and do not look to the world for direction. Look to me. I have made a way for you in the wilderness. You are unique. You are enough. You are my beloved creation.

Precious girl, I know you are worried and afraid and don’t know how to talk to me about it, or anyone else for that matter. Because the world doesn’t celebrate weak and scared people. But Jesus does. Jesus may like weak and scared people most of all. Because he came for the lost, for the scared and the lonely. Jesus sees weakness as a superpower of sorts…because when you feel weak is when you need him most. And it’s ok to need him, to need help. It doesn’t mean you are messed-up or less-than anyone else, it just means you are human. It means your are growing and changing. God gives his grace out freely, you only need to open up your hands to receive it. Grace is God saying…whatever you’ve done, it’s ok, I still love you. Let’s try again tomorrow.

So now that I’m 44 years-old, guess what? All my problems are solved! Hahaha I wish!!! Nope, I still have doubts about who I am, what I’m doing, and what I’ve done. I have fears and worries because I am human, and that’s normal. But, I also know Jesus now. I know how much I am loved and that I was created just as I should be. And when I listen to that truth, and not what the world says about me, it’s like all my doubts disappear, and I start to like myself again.

Allie and I this past New Year’s Eve…she does not love a selfie!

And guess what? I even love myself with all this hair! I’ve learned that I love getting my eyebrows waxed and shaped, and I even shave my arms (and my big toes!) and I’m not ashamed about it one bit! My hairdresser showed me how to thin my sideburns, and it works for me. I have a dermaplane tool for my mustache, and even found a laser hair machine that doesn’t hurt that bad. Yes, it’s kind of alot of hair management… but I’ve become an expert at it so don’t be ashamed if you ever have questions. Everyone in the world has body hair, not just you! And guess what? If one day I get tired of all the de-hairing, that’s ok too! Because I’m loved no matter what! You’re body never stops growing and changing, and it’s the only body you will ever have, so learning to love it and take care of it is pretty important! My body has done some amazing things for me, and I’m so thankful for it, hair and warts and blemishes and all!

Ok, all hairiness aside… my dear Allie, my only daughter, I know that growing up is hard. It’s all so strange and just plain awkward. I know this, because I was 11 once too. I didn’t want to change, and I didn’t know what to do with all the changes and all the doubts and all the comparing and striving. But please, know that we have all felt these things. We have all wondered if we are enough. I’m here to tell you… yes!!! Yes, you are more than enough. You are enough now and as your body (and all its hair) continues to change. You are enough even if you look different than so-and-so or like something no one else seems to. You are enough even if someone says something unkind or your friends don’t call you back that day or you don’t make the team or a boy breaks your heart or you fail the test or you forget to wear pants.

You. Are. ENOUGH!!!

Be careful when people try to label you or try to say you are this or that or belong in some group, because that’s only people trying to make themselves comfortable and try to assign you an identity. But like I’ve told you before, don’t feel like you have to wander through this life looking for a group to belong to, my love. Because you were created to be exactly who you are…Allison Grace Brian. You are a beloved child of God, and that’s all you ever need to be. There is no one else like you in the whole, big world. And I am so proud and grateful for that!

I’m sorry if all you ever hear from me is nagging you to brush your hair and teeth and pick up your room and do your homework and get off your iPad…that’s just a mom’s job, to help their children take care of themselves. That doesn’t mean you are less loved or not enough! Being a mom is hard too. I love you even when you don’t brush your teeth, but I also don’t want you to get cavities, so I have to remind you. Your dad and I also don’t want you to be the smelly kid, so you’re welcome. I often say nagging is like love in disguise, but it’s annoying, I know.

But do know this…I’m so lucky that God gave me you. I’m sorry if I don’t ever tell you that. I’m better at thinking things than saying them, I know you are too. Please know that I love you so much no matter what. And even though it’s hard to imagine, God loves you even more than me!

So when you feel lost, or afraid, or don’t like who you are, remember that lots of people feel this way. I still feel this way sometimes! We feel shame and guilt and embarrassment and it’s just so much sometimes it makes us want to crawl under the covers and go back to bed. We will never be perfect people. We are humans that make mistakes. We get pimples and eat too much candy and forget deodorant and put our shirts on inside-out sometimes. But it’s okay! God’s grace is sufficient and He is so, so good even when we are struggling. He is there to hear your prayers, your pain, your fears…and so am I!

Allie, you are so loved and you are never, ever alone. Although you like to be alone, haha! But you know what I mean. There are people who love you and are here for you, even when it seems like no one else is.

My wish for you, is that you will always sing…sing your heart out, daughter. Know your own voice. Speak out and speak over what is authentically inside YOU. Whether for an empty room or in front of a thousand people, share your voice. Believe in yourself, in your truth, in your calling. Sing the songs of your heart, listen to the dreams God put there. When you can’t hear them, go somewhere quiet and listen. You will find them again, I promise. Only you and God hold the key to this special hiding place.

Once you find your dreams, in the still, hidden place, ask God again for the courage to share them with the world. Because they are a gift, a light to your path. They may even light a path for others. Because doing the things you were created for is like a superpower; it helps other people find the courage to do the things they were made to do! I’m actually a little afraid of sharing this note with you and others who will read it, but I believe in the message enough to go for it! Everyone is a little afraid to share their dreams, but it feels so good when we are brave enough to try!

Sweet girl, I believe in you. God believes in you. I pray that you believe in you too! You are 100% home-gown, authentically YOU. You can roll your eyes at me all you want but it’s true. And well, yes…every beautiful little hair is a part of the package!

Love you!

Mom

When Despair Comes Calling

When Despair Comes Calling

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Christmas season is upon us yet again. The tree is up, lights are twinkling, every commercial is throwing Christmas magic in our faces. And yet, no matter how much I want to, I cannot feel the magic.

Depression creeps in so very slowly, like a glacier growing at an undetectable pace, until before you know it, you are under the ice. The sky may be beautifully blue above, but you cannot see it through the cold, thick layer that covers you. Next thing you know, you realize you are frozen in place, trying to find a way to chip away at the ice that has you bound.

The last couple months have been riddled with storms of change, and although they haven’t seemed too far from the normal patterns, as I reflect back I see them with more gravity. My son became a teenager, and even my daughter, as she approaches middle school, has joined him in pulling away from me. There’s a relief in the freedom at first, a rejoice in their independence (no more butt-wiping, hooray!!!) but then the realization…your babies are growing up. It’s both an amazing blessing to watch and a grieving for the childhood giggles and innocence of the past. All of a sudden there’s no talk of the Easter Bunny, you have to bribe them to dress up for Halloween, and no one wonders if Santa Claus coming to town. You’re no longer wiping tears and patching up boo-boos, you’ve become a full-time Uber driver and screen-time police and social coordinator. The pounding of little footprints that greeted you way too early on a Saturday morning have been replaced with shouts at them to wake up because it’s almost lunch time. The Wheels on the Bus is now music that you’re not sure is appropriate for their little ears…but then you realize they aren’t so little anymore.

Amid the realization that my role of motherhood is quickly changing, my grandmother also passed away very recently. She had lived a long, healthy life, but it still hit hard. She was such a constant in our lives that was now gone. A stark reminder that life moves on, that time does not stop, that loss is a certainty. The hope of Heaven is assuring, but it still doesn’t stop the pain of our grieving.

I saw so much of myself in her, in her calm, stoic mannerisms…I couldn’t help but wonder if she had longings for more as I often do. Did she have more to say beneath her quiet demeanor? Was she so accommodating and easy that she denied herself fulfillment of her dreams? It seems unkind to ponder these things now that she’s gone, but it also comes at me like an opportunity or a calling. My grandmother always recognized and encouraged my creative gifts…and it’s clear more than ever that her visions for me were partly an extension of her own dreams. I found myself thinking more and more about the twilight of my own life. Would I be haunted by unfulfilled dreams? By talents unused and taken for granted? Within the sadness of my grandmothers passing is the hidden gift of conviction and clarity; this is our one and only life.

Oh, 43 years. Right smack in the middle of life. A place that is settling yet terrifying at the same time. More sure of who I am, but unsure of where I’m going. Feeling right on time yet past due. Grasping for a changing purpose, constantly reminding myself to yield to the change and not fight it. Not to strive but to surrender. But the ice feels oh so thick.

My anxiety has climbed back into the front seat of my life, despite my attempts to banish it. I’ve found myself doubting my capability, especially when driving. Almost daily I find myself paralyzed behind the wheel, wondering how I can make it down the street. The discouragement, shame and anger that follows has slowly led me to a place of dispair. The voices of defeat have been so, so loud. You are not capable of driving without fear, so how can you be a good parent? How will you keep your family safe? How will you function? How will you hide this from people? How can you live like this???

Oh that last question. That last one is where the despair rings loudest.

Most discouraging is that I have seen victory over all this. I have done the work, years and years of counseling and medication and spiritual warfare have led me to the mountaintop, but I was so wrapped up in celebrating that I didn’t even notice all the other mountains surrounding me. Just because you reach victory doesn’t mean you won’t ever set foot in the valley again.

But I’ve beat this! I’ve fixed it! I’ve learned to control it! I’ve tamed the monster!

But I…but I…me, me, me.

How foolish to think that I alone can control this life. That I’m immune to suffering and change. How much I’ve been clinging to victory that pride had unknowingly taken the place of gratefulness. How hard I’ve been on myself lately to think that this means I’ve failed at life and there’s no way out. Despair came calling and I just let it right in, self-pity wrapped me up and carried me right off…feeling unloved, unneeded, incapable. Like there is only one choice…victory or nothing.

But grace.

Sometimes we spend so much time fighting that we forget how beloved we are. We are battered and bruised and covered in scars. We find ourselves weary and tired, just needing to be held. Needing complete rest. So we put down our weapons for a bit and decide to crawl up into the loving arms of our Savior. We let the tears flow and find the permission to let it all go. It’s okay, sweet child…it’s okay. You are loved. You are forgiven. You are capable. You are never alone.

Oh beautiful, sweet grace.

We fall short and we underperform and doubt and fear and fail over and over again. And despite it all, we are utterly and completely loved.

Lord, forgive me. For I have put my ways before yours. I’ve given the enemy a foothold in my life that isn’t deserved. I’ve forgotten your truths about me, forgotten my position in the kingdom. I’ve forgotten my posture of surrender. Remind me who I am. Remind me of my belovedness. Amen.

I hear the ice start to crack, the sunlight peeking through with radiant warmth. Droplets of water slowly form, melting ever so slowly, but with oh so much promise.

Love never fails.

Safe Pasture

Safe Pasture

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“Heather? Hi! Can you hear me?” I recognize the soft, blue eyes of my nurse as she speaks to me. I’m all warm and drowsy and calm. I hear the soft hum of air that fills up the warm “space blanket” that covers me (if you don’t know what a space blanket is, trust me, it’s fabulous!). My eyes fall on my husband’s smile on the other side of the recovery room.

“They only took the cyst and the ovary!” he says. I am a loopy mess, but I am flooded with peace, his words holding an enormous amount of gravity.

No cancer.

Weeks of accumulating stress start slowly shedding off me as I lay there. It’s a strange moment, when you are still feeling the effects of the anesthesia, while trying to process everything you’ve just experienced. In those few hours, time seems to have no place. I’m in and out of sleep, reveling in the fuzzy warmth of this quiet, painless time after surgery.

My husband and I have a few laughs…he recalls how I was crying as they wheeled me back and he called out, there’s no crying in surgery! Always the comedian, that one. I didn’t necessarily laugh, but I did enter the OR wearing a half-smile. I told the nurses that I’d named my cyst Felicia, and if they could please get a picture of her on her way out that would be great (sadly, I never did get that picture). One nurse told me about how she had named the surgery robot Delilah. I joked about how her and Felicia would get along just fine.

The anesthesiologist was a refreshing soul, so kind and funny. As I was about to slip off into my drug-induced sleep, he asked me what my favorite beach was, and I’m all oh no, no…I’ve got to say Psalm 23. He’s like, ok girl, you do you.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures…

And that’s as far as I got. In what seemed like two minutes later, it was all over. My first experience under anesthesia was a success. I had been so afraid of it, almost as much as everything else…I’m a bit of a control freak that wants to know everything as it’s happening. Needless to say, that’s not possible in the middle of a surgical procedure (thank the good Lord for modern medicine!). Just as everyone said…it truly was the best nap ever.

I’ve always struggled with control and trust, and the anxiety leading up to the surgery was monstrous. Each day was like climbing a mountain; every day I climbed higher and higher, afraid to look down, but knowing I had to keep pace, carefully, and sometimes reluctantly, placing one foot in front of the other. Would my strength carry me? Would there be bad weather ahead? Would I reach the top safely? No control of the outcome, only trust and faith and small, wobbly steps.

The unknown.

To completely surrender control seemed like an impossible task. I knew the cyst on my ovary had to come out. What I did not know, was what answer awaited on the other side of my eyes opening. Until I was on the operating table, there was no way to know the next steps. If there was any cancer, I would have a complete hysterectomy, which meant longer surgery and recovery, and early menopause. If there were no cancer cells, I would only loose my left ovary and the humungo growth that tried to eat her. I was nearing the peak of my mountain, climbing barefoot in a snowstorm. But there was no rerouting this time.

My friends, my family, my faith…I can’t tell you how completely surrounded and supported I was leading up to my surgery day. But I still struggled with trust. The mountain was so huge and daunting; so many rugged, sharp surfaces. It was dark and cold and horrifying.

Lord, I know you’ve got me through this. I know I’m tethered to your safety rope. So why am I so scared of this climb?

A friend of mine sent me a Louis Giglio sermon titled Even Though. I had recently read his book, Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table; it was suggested to me by another friend who knew my walk with anxiety. However, I had never actually listened to the sermon that the book was based on. He tells the story of how those nine words forever changed his view of adversity, while referencing the scriptures of Psalm 23.

Last year, as we all spent our second year transitioning into pandemic life, Psalm 23 was one of those passages that kept popping up everywhere. I’d hear it in my favorite podcasts, it would come up in conversations, while reading articles. It is one of the most known and well-loved passages for sure, but it had definitely been in my line of sight for the past year or so. It describes the Lord as our Shepherd; He takes care of us when we are completely helpless, as sheep notably are. It emphasizes how great His love is for us and reminds us that no matter how far we stray, he will rescue us and lead us home.

So I’m listening to this sermon on my phone in my closet (my notorious quiet place), and as I’m putting on makeup, the circle of my face reflecting in the vanity mirror, I hear the next verse…

He makes me lie down in green pastures (Psalm 23:2).

My eyes close, and tears start to roll down my face. In my mind, I’m on the operating table, bright lights above me…and then all of a sudden I’m lying in the soft, bright green grass of a beautiful, lush field. I feel the warm breeze blowing across my face as I lie there, palms open. I feel the sunshine on my face and stare up at the bluest of skies. I can even sense the soft, thick coat of sheep’s wool. A smile rests across my face. I am completely at peace.

I’m right here with you, sweet girl. Don’t you worry. I’m right here. All you have to do is lie down and rest.

I hear the words and feel them all at the same time. He’s there reminding me, it will all be okay. The Lord is my shepherd, I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to fear. I can lie down and rest. I can surrender fully.

Oh, how I love these fleeting moments with the Holy Spirit. I used to think that sounded crazy, talk of these spiritual encounters (my friend and I like to call them “a little bit of woo-woo”), but now I know it’s how He meets with us when we are desperate for his presence. We just have to be willing to receive, to be open to what His Spirit has for us. The direct line to the God of wonders is always available to us, if only we would make the time and space to be still and listen.

I bask in my new super-power of peacefulness, finish with my make up, and pick up the phone to read a text. It’s then that I notice the date… February 23rd. 2/23. Just like the verse that had just breathed new life into me, Psalm 23:2. That made me laugh out loud. I mean, come on!!! Ok, God, I get it! I hear you!

From that day until the surgery, I am washed in perfect peace. Ok, maybe not totally perfect; I am human after all. But sufficient. And with all the conviction I can muster, I do just as He says. I lay down in the soft, green pasture and surrender. Because my Shepherd’s got me. My Shepherd will never leave my side. My Shepherd will lead me down that mountain.

And just like that, as my eyelids lift slowly in that tiny, muted green recovery room, I realize I’ve made it. I’m still there, resting in that lush, green field, the once ominous mountain now only a shadow in the distance.

He’s led me down to safe pasture.

Recovery is slow, but there is stillness and growth in healing. Not only does our body have to slow down and rest, but our faith needs time to sprout new off-shoots, to cultivate the beginnings of new roots. As unwelcome as they are, trials and hardships make for the most fertile soil. You may end up growing fruit to share with others, a tree for someone to lean on, or an endless field of soft, green grass for one to find rest.

Whatever you produce from your pain, His love and faithfulness will shine through you for the all world to see. Not even the tallest, darkest, most treacherous mountain can block your light.

The Shepherd will make sure of that.

In the Waiting

In the Waiting

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I struggled to get out of bed today.

Despite a bluebird sky and abundant sunshine, my soul was heavy, seemingly anchoring me to the bed. Another day of waiting, another moment of crippling fear and depression trying to steal the day from me. The enemy had his claws in me, threatening to take me away to devour.

I noticed some strange pain and bloating a few weeks ago. Ironically, while visiting a friend who had just had surgery for similar reasons, I voiced my concerns. Thankfully her nudges landed me promptly in my doctor’s office (a place I constantly avoid at all costs) and a few days later with a diagnosis…an ovarian cyst.

Of course off I go, consulting friends and Dr. Google (curse that never-ending worm hole!), my mind spinning with what and why and when and how. My husband and I have a trip and I debate cancelling, but then I figure I might as well get some rest and relaxation in while I can, so thankfully we go. Although I’m mildly uncomfortable and on an emotional roller coaster, I am surrounded by the most amazing people who speak truth into me when I need it most. I spend precious quiet time with my husband and my mom. The giant oaks and Spanish moss and ocean breeze are medication for my soul.

Until the phone call from my doctor.

This isn’t the type of growth that will go away on its own, she mentions…it has to come out surgically. Also I have a slightly elevated levels of cancer markers in my blood test, so they want to schedule my surgery with an oncologist. They tell me my cyst is roughly 10cm. Not too big I think.

Until I’m having a conversation with a friend about all the information I’ve just received and realized I have miscalculated. I was thinking in millimeters.

My cyst is roughly the size of a GRAPEFRUIT.

Oh. My. Goodness.

It’s fine. It’s fine! Everything’s fine. Is it fine? What if it isn’t fine? What should I do? Should I move? Should I lie down? How is it just floating around in there?! Should I go home?! I want to go home!! I want to see my kids! Will I see my kids again? What do I do?!!!

I calm down(ish) and make some phone calls to schedule the MRI and the meeting with the surgeon, which all seem like light-years away. Until then, all I can do is…wait.

Wait and pray it doesn’t burst.

Wait and pray there’s no cancer.

Wait and pray I survive the surgery.

Wait and pray that they don’t have to do a complete hysterectomy.

Wait and pray, wait and pray, wait and pray…

When I was a waitress, almost 20 years ago now, one of my regulars used to tell me I had the patience of Job. Not being raised with bible knowledge, I didn’t really understand the reference. With some quick research, I learned that he was a good and successful man that was tested by God and still managed to keep his faith. But I never did read his full story.

Until today.

It’s not a particularly uplifting story, but definitely one about the pain of waiting. Job was subjected to enormous suffering, an unsupportive spouse and friends, and enormous frustration in trying to understand the reason for his suffering. He claimed he did everything right. He was arguably the first person who cried out, “why, God?”. Since those ancient days, it has been proven time and time again that most likely we will never know why, but our unshakable God does. After extensive groaning and pleading, Job surrenders and humbles himself fully to God, and is eventually provided for ten-fold.

I took comfort in relating to Job’s cries as I read each chapter; I needed someone at my pity party. Although I didn’t loose my children, all my belongings or break out in painful boils (I mean, poor Job had it rough!) I had my own suffering to dwell in and grumble about. An unexpected health scare, of which I still don’t know the outcome. Two canceled winter break trips. Debilitating pain leaving little for me to do but sit around the house (ok, so there’s a silver lining in that…although my messy house is driving me a little nuts).

I look around outside of my own circumstances and see so much pain. I’ve had a friend loose a child recently. Others unsure if their marriage will survive another day. Friends losing parents and trying to best care for sick children. Human suffering isn’t uniquely mine, and I’ve been spared more than I probably deserve. Sadness, despair, injustice…why, God?

Like Job, we’re angry, we are confused, desperate and tired of suffering. We want reasons, answers, justification. We want to know how it all ends.

But then God humbly reminds us…that’s My job.

And so we are reminded, although we stomp our feet and pout about it, that as much as we want answers and want them now, we must wait and hope and trust. While we desperately search for truth on the internet or in people’s opinions or out in the world, that only God is all-knowing and understanding and truth bearing.

It’s in the waiting that we grow our faith.

I managed to drag myself out of bed eventually, and one of the first things I noticed were my houseplants, withering and drooping from neglect. Slowly but surely, I filled up an old plastic cup leftover from a college football game (I’m a sucker for a souvenir cup, mind you) and gave each one some life-giving water.

One by one, I was reminded of how we can become so blinded and distracted by fear that we end up forgetting to nourish our hearts and minds. We forget to just be still in God’s goodness and truth and just sit and hold hands with Jesus and tell him how scared we are. We cry and plead and beg for everything to be okay. We pray our cries are heard, even though answers aren’t always given when or how we want them.

We have to trust the waiting.

We must nourish ourselves, a little each day, not on fear of the unknown, but in the goodness of what is known, the goodness of the small moments in front of us. We must rest in the truth that maybe there is no blueprint for life…maybe there are just next steps. There is beauty and light but also loneliness and darkness. There are small steps forward and maybe a few backwards but always security in knowing we are known and loved no matter what.

If I focus and dwell and obsess about my ability to control the unknown, I will miss out on the moments and the memories and the gifts of what is known, what is true in my life now: that life is good, God is good, and that every minute of this life is a gift.

So here I sit, with my blanket and my heating pad and frozen lasagna in the oven, (also trying to figure out what I’m going to watch now that the Winter Olympics is over) realizing that I am…calm. A little bored and uncomfortable, maybe…but at peace. I’ve fought with God these past few days, grumbled and cried and resisted, but now I’m finally ready to receive.

Okay Lord! Here I am! You’re right…you’re the only one who knows. I surrender it all to You. I’m here to be watered.

And just like that, my leaves start to perk up a little.

When it Just Hurts

When it Just Hurts

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You know the feeling.

You wake up at first light, eyes puffy, head aching, processing the emotional hangover from the night before.

Miscommunication. Sharp words. Raised voices. Stomping feet. Slamming doors. Hurt feelings. Tears. Sleeplessness. Self-pity, loneliness, despair, isolation…

Being human is hard. We are all complicated beings, shaped by our experiences and our current situations. We carry these things with us and are triggered by things we can’t identify fast enough to avoid the damage they cause. The ones nearest to us get the overflow, and so on and so on. Hurt rarely singles out the original culprit. It seeps and crawls and oozes it’s way into everything you touch, bringing with it the pain and suffering and heartache that started as only a pinprick on your heart. That is the landslide of the power of hurt.

But God.

Yes, I have a sensitive soul. I’ll be the first to admit it. I can still feel the way my heart broke at 6-years-old, watching my parents fight. I can still feel the sadness in 2nd grade learning about MLK Jr., learning for the first time that people hated each other simply for the color of their skin. I can still feel the tears on my face when my favorite cat died. I can still feel the tears falling on my white butterfly comforter when I was told we were moving in 5th grade. I can still feel the dread of going to school in 6th grade because that kid who made fun of me everyday would be there. I can still feel the grip of my car’s steering wheel as I drove through tears after my high-school boyfriend broke up with me. I can still feel the ache of homesickness when I left for college.

I can still feel that hurt. But what I hurt most for, is that girl.

That was a girl that often felt unloved, unworthy, insecure. A girl who stuffed all her hurt inside to please everyone around her and who felt like it was her responsibility alone to keep her world from crumbling. A girl who’s unprotected heart was free range for the world to manipulate and destroy.

But I’m not that girl anymore.

The girl I am now, the woman I am, is different. Her heart resides in a place built on solid ground, a place so safe and beautiful that evil cannot touch her there. Light beams from the windows and never lets the darkness in. It’s clean and comfortable and full of warm blankets and comfy chairs and fresh baked cookies and scented candles and love and safety.

Safety.

My heart lives in the Father’s house now, where there is safety and security and peace. Hurt sometimes makes it up to the front porch, but Jesus sees it, out of the corner of his eye…he goes and grabs a broom from the pantry and quickly sweeps it away. Sometimes the hurt gets bolder, dares to knock at the door, sometimes even manages to crack it open slightly, but Jesus comes over, smiles and says confidently, “No, thank you. You’re not welcome here. Have a nice day!”

And I remain inside, safe and sound, probably on the couch with my blanket and my coffee and my Jesus.

Our world will throw hurt at us faster than we can handle. It is healthy to acknowledge and feel our hurt. But we don’t have to handle it alone. I’m so grateful that I know that now. I’m so grateful for an identity and a heart that is forever safe in Him.

I pray for continued strength, for patience, for a safe place to go when I am hurt. I pray there will always be a warm, inviting, loving place for me on that couch next to Jesus. And I pray that you will hear the best news ever…that there’s plenty of room for you there, too.

There will always be room for you.

What if You Don’t?

What if You Don’t?

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The universe is sending me messages again.

I recently published a blog post three months after I finished it and I’m still stumped on why. Actually that’s a complete lie…I know exactly why! Because finishing things is hard for me. My self-discipline hasn’t always been top-notch (I actually told a friend at lunch today to please write anonymous threats to get me to workout). I am frequently inspired, but rarely do I see my ideas to fruition.

Anyway, back to the messages. While listening to yet another podcast (I promise, I do other things, I swear!), the girl (can’t remember who, but obviously a successful, well-enlightened person) was talking about all the time she had lost being creative due to escaping into things like social media, Netflix, etc. She even described the feeling you get (yes, you know it) when you’ve been on your phone too long and you get that icky sensation that you have completely ignored everything else for a bit longer than you should have. It’s a fun escape at first, until you look up two hours later and wonder where in the world the time has gone, or where your children are, or is that the smell of food burning?!

We are all guilty. Smartphones are amazing tools, but also amazing at being addictive. I won’t lie, I’m writing on one right now. Lately, I’ve been thinking of how I long to use my creativity more, always wonder why and how to do better at it, when I know exactly why…this shiny little screen right here in front of me. It’s just too easy of an escape.

My husband and I love to watch The Crown on Netflix (I know, I know, more screens). One of the most fascinating things I started to notice was how they spent their down time. Reading a book. Drinking tea (of course). Playing cards. Not a screen in sight. Well, part of the series is in a time period when tv’s weren’t in homes yet, but still. You can actually hear clocks ticking in the background. Funny that in a time when we use our phones to escape, I watch actors just sitting around in a quiet room and that seems like the real escape.

I had a rug delivery today (always exciting, I know!) and the delivery guy saw that I had a giant wall version of Connect Four in my embarrassingly large Amazon box pile by my front door. I love that game! he says as he rearranges my furniture. I tell him I hope my kids will actually play it, all they want to play is their phones, yada yada.

“I have a friend, soon as you turn into her driveway…no internet!” he says. “They always playing board games, the kids will communicate with you, it’s amazing!”

I look at him with wonder. Who is this magnificent woman and why is she not the President? Sadly, I too have the power to turn off my internet. I can take back control! But wait- I have to fill out this form online, the kids have to use the computer for school, my husband has work…not gonna happen.

So I guess it’s up to me, my own self-discipline and knowing how to set rules and boundaries for my kids. Adulting…ughhhhh.

Think of all the artists, the musicians, the authors that will never share their gifts because of screen time? The ones who, if exposed to sheer boredom, might teach themselves to play the piano or paint with watercolors or make up recipes? Or will they be sucked into the vortex of the screen when free time allows? I know I am guilty. How much time would I have spent being creative if it weren’t for unlimited episodes of Below Deck or posting vacation pictures on social media or falling into the abyss of an endless news cycle all at my fingertips? Sigh.

And yet, I do this every single day. And I bet most of you do, too. Not meaning to put the guilt trip on, just make you think.

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic, she explores the idea that creativity is almost it’s own dimension. That creative ideas flow freely and it just takes one person with enough grit to catch one and do something tangible with it. She mentions how she had thought up a complete storyline for a novel that she kept to herself, always struggling to actually write it down. Eventually, enough time passed not following through with her book writing that one day, she picked up a novel by one of her favorite authors and was stunned to discover that it was the exact same story she had thought of. Ok, so maybe not word for word, but the plot, setting, characters…it was basically the same idea.

This has always fascinated me, this idea of creative thoughts just waiting to be used by the right, willing person. Have you ever read a book, or seen a business idea or invention that you have already thought of? It’s a crazy feeling. My husband actually did a project in college about the idea of satellite radio, in 1998. You learn about people’s innovations in the world and think…wait! That was my idea!!! Until we limit the distractions, muster up some courage and some Olympic levels of self-discipline, sadly that’s all they will remain…ideas in our heads, never to be shared with the world.

What are we waiting for? What ideas and creative gifts do you have that you are holding back from the world? I know I have many. I have notebooks of songs and poems that I’ve started as far back as first grade. I have books and stories half-written. Art half-drawn. Choruses and verses and bridges in my head. I used to dream of breakfast delivery service when I was in my 20’s…and now voila! We have Uber eats. I know I wasn’t the only one with that idea way back when.

But what will they think? What if I fail? What if they all laugh at me?!!

You could spend as much time worrying the opposite…what if I don’t? Chances are, if you don’t run with a creative idea, somebody else will.

I need to hear this message constantly, need the fire stoked so that maybe eventually, I’ll finish something I’ve created. I know, we are all busy raising babies or paying bills or studying or just surviving. But we all have creative gifts inside us. Ideas are everywhere. They just need a little care and cultivating before they can be released out into the world.

Can you see them? Can you catch one? I can’t wait to see what you will do with it, beautiful friend.

Turn off that screen…and make some magic.

From Post to Prayer

From Post to Prayer

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Goodness me…where to start.

This year. This few months. This week.

The tension, the noise, the fear, the injustice. All of it is just too much sometimes. And yet what are we doing? We are letting it sweep us away.

It’s happened to me lately and I’m just now realizing it.

I try not to read or watch the news too often. To me it’s only healthy in bite-size, honest doses. But I’ve always defended social media, to some degree. I love seeing what my friends are doing! I love the inspirational stories and causes! Yes, I found this cute dress on my Facebook feed!

But lately I’ve caught myself red-handed. I’ve caught myself scrolling past the good, past the new puppy pics and vacation stories to find the controversy. On purpose. Like it’s some tv show I’m waiting to see play out. What extreme view will this person post today? What names will she be called? How does this side defend themselves to that side?

My Facebook feed has become my favorite new reality show.

Yes, I always try to call people out and remind them to love, no matter what. I try to point them to trust in their faith in the least pushy way possible because I’ve seen the fruit produced from my journey. But even so, I’m still engaging in the endless online banter. I’m still stirring the pot by reacting. And there’s a fine line between acting with love and just trying to prove a point.

But today I spent 30 full minutes just reading the back and forth of responses to someone’s post. The harsh words, the expletives, the public lashings in both directions were terrible, and yet I ate it up. Just couldn’t put it down. It was completely sad and completely entertaining all at the same time.

But it’s just for fun right?

Try to remember…on the other side of the screen are people. Actual, real humans. People with their own stories, their own experiences. People who are being verbally torn down and attacked because they don’t feel real. Because how dare they disagree with you. Because it’s easy to say whatever you want when not looking someone in the eye.

How do I feel after reading that enticing online rant? Or trying to prove a point with my quick-to-judge comment? Refreshed? Satisfied? Justified? Usually not. Maybe for a minute or two, and then I realize the emptiness behind it. Half the time I don’t even know this person. Just because I feel strongly about something, that gives me the right to interject without knowing someone’s story or experience? To think I’m the be-all, know-all on a subject? That because I have emotions about what someone said that I have to react to it just to get my rant out? Oh how I wish we could all go back to old school, hand-written, locking diaries sometimes!

It’s hard enough for my middle-aged brain to comprehend all this online rhetoric right now, but I can’t even imagine how the younger generations are handling all the negative energy out there. I’m so thankful that social media didn’t exist when I was an adolescent…but that’s a whole other topic.

My point is this: what if we took all that energy we want to throw into that post, that online conversation, that thing you just want to scream out for all the world to hear, and said it to the One who can really take it? Who can take your screams for injustice? Who can take your mourning and your anxieties and your deepest fears and use them for good??

What if we turned our posts into prayers?

When I find myself in that dark place, when my heart hurts so bad that I feel lost and alone, I go straight to my Bible app. I search for verses to help with what I am feeling. I seek out a story that will center me and remind me that God is good, all the time. And if I really need to, I will sit down and give it all to Him; whether it’s through prayer, through worship, or just being still and listening. I give it all the One who wants all of me, good, bad and ugly. To the One who has offered to carry all my burden without any conditions.

Will there be a risk of a public mockery? Will I be called names and belittled and shamed for all the world wide web to see? Will I loose friends and followers and risk being censored or banned or exploited?

Not at all.

I will be loved.

Unconditionally, unapologetically, eternally loved.

Seems too good to be true right? In this world where we are turning against each other in droves, where people hide behind screens and tear others down in the name of “justice”, where we label and assume and bully and shame in the name of “love”, it’s hard to imagine that there’s an actual safe place to go. We are all increasingly desperate for that safe, loving place. That place where we are loved and heard and held no matter what our opinions are.

It’s available to me, to you, to all. Jesus doesn’t care about your skin color, your political affiliation, your gender, your sexual orientation. The only thing He cares about is your heart. All He wants is a relationship with you. He wants you to come as you are, to lay everything at His feet, and let go. There’s no risk of cyber bullying or public shaming or losing friends or family. It’s between you and Him, and that’s the simple, beautiful truth.

Be mindful that after you give Him your all through prayer, after begging and pleading and unloading the heaviness in your heart, you may not get immediate answers. You probably won’t hear a big booming voice or a crack of thunder (like in the movies!). In fact, you may not see any change at all. But give it time. Prayer isn’t a magic wand you can waive over a situation to make it all better. It’s a humbling act of spiritual giving that asks for mercy and giving in return. It peels away the layers of our hearts, exposes the darkest parts to the light to be made better. It takes time and patience and trust. It takes new eyes to see and new ears to hear. Sometimes the answers are smaller than dust and quieter than a whisper, but they are there. The more you expose your heart in prayer, the more the answers will become clear. The more you pay attention to the nudges, the more will follow. It’s like seeing the tiniest crack of light in the darkest tunnel, and trusting that everyday, with every prayer, that crack will open just a bit more. It’s our lifeline, our compass, the light unto our path.

Ok, now I’m feeling pushy.

I always hesitate to share my spiritual beliefs with others. I truly respect all people’s beliefs and don’t want anyone to feel that they won’t be loved and accepted because of my views. Most of my blog posts are gentle in my approach, because I get it. I get the scars that people have because of their “religious” friends and family. I get the anxieties of being judged and feeling “not good enough” when it comes to church, even in the eyes of God. I know you think following Christ means you have to follow this ridiculous set of rules. I have heard those lies too and I know many of you still believe them. I have a whole blog about it, in fact.

But these days, when the negative presence and evil in our world feels palpable, when hate is literally breeding at a breakneck pace, where love and humility are being drowned out by all the noise, I can’t not speak up about the freedom that is available to us all through Christ. I can’t sit back and pretend I don’t know the antidote to this madness. In my darkest hours, in my most desperate moments, it’s been my constant. My place of rest.

Be still and know that I am God.

Sometimes that is the only thing I have left to say.

Do you ever see the same number over and over again? Like you always wake up at the same time? Or you keep seeing the same time when you look at the clock? For me, for the last couple of years, that number has been 4:20. When I’d wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night…4:20. When I’d hear my favorite song…4:20. When I heard shocking news about the health of a friend…4:20.

When it started to become more of a “thing”, I went to a trusted friend (who wouldn’t totally write me off as crazy) and mentioned it. She told me to go to the Bible, see if there was a verse with those numbers that resonated with me. Um, okay…I thought, skeptical. But I kept an open mind and kept digging. There were some good ones, words that spoke to me. But I kept coming back to Acts 4:20.

“For we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard.”

I have found so much freedom from anxiety through blogging, through sharing my truth. I love to help others through their own journey, but I always hesitated to bring in my spiritual journey. But this verse spoke loud and clear to me. I have seen and heard the love of Jesus. He has helped me through my darkest hours, filled the voids that nothing else ever could, taught me the power of humility and forgiveness. How could I leave Him out of my story? So it was time to speak.

Still it was hard. I didn’t want to loose friends or offend anyone. To loose a chance to help people with anxiety because they were turned off by my beliefs. And then one day, while hiking up in the north Georgia mountains, the alarm on my phone went off randomly. I took it out of my pocket and looked at the screen.

4:20.

I hadn’t set an alarm, I hardly ever do. I’m sure it was one of my kids, let’s be real. But what are the chances of it being for that specific time? It stopped me in my tracks.

It was time to listen to the nudges.

So here I am. Almost contradicting myself because I’m sharing my thoughts online while telling you to put them into prayer…oops! But sometimes we need a little reminder, a little encouragement to get us going. A story that is authentic and hard to share in the name of inspiring others. To speak of what I have seen and heard… not my political opinions, my annoyances with this or that, my frustrations with society.

I want to speak about the good news. The news that we are all completely loved and enough. That perfect love cannot be offended. The last time I checked, I didn’t see that headline at the top of any recent news story.

What I’m not saying, is don’t act on issues that break your heart. If something bothers you to your core, please speak up to a trusted friend or a reliable source. Slow down and do the work and find the right avenues to accomplish the goal. Pray about it or meditate on it and really process your emotions first before you divulge them all on a public media forum. Take a step back and a deep breath and stop yourself before you add fuel to the already blazing fire. Social media sounding boards may not help you achieve anything, as tempting as it is (yes, I’ve fallen for it too!). I bet if we put down Facebook and put in some face time to solve our issues, we would be making way more progress.

The bottom line is this…we all have a lot to say. We see hate and injustice and evil all around us. We want to fight back and do what’s right and speak our minds. But we must be careful, because as humans, we take offense. We offend others even when we don’t realize it. It’s so hard to avoid right now. The atmosphere of media and online chatter is toxic, it’s so easy and so available to us. But there’s a better way to vent. There’s a Savior that’s always available to you, with open arms and a listening ear and a spirit that doesn’t take offense.

So next time you are angered, upset, even enraged with someone or something that you read online, try turning to prayer instead of that keyboard. Give it to God instead of going on Facebook. Shout it to the heavens instead of the internet.

Then be still, and know that sometimes the best feedback you can get is so quiet that only your soul can hear.

Let Your Mess be a Message

Let Your Mess be a Message

reroutinglife

Just like that…my kiddos are off to school. How do I have a second and fourth grader? Where are my babies?? Where did the time go??? It flies, I tell ya.

Side note: I realise that it is now November, and school started almost 3 months ago. So as you can tell, I’m a bit slow. My bad. Ok, carry on…

We had a celebratory back-to-school mama breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants the other morning (wait, we don’t have to make or clean up the breakfast?! Our little people aren’t hanging on our legs or calling out mommy every two to three minutes or suddenly have an emergency the exact moment we try to go to the bathroom???I’d say that’s reason to celebrate!!!) and we were all talking about our summer trips. I mentioned how amazing it was driving across the wide-open spaces of Wyoming as I skimmed over the highlights of our two-and-a-half week western jaunt.

“Wait…you did that by yourself?!” a friend looked over at me, wide-eyed from the other end of the table.

I smiled on the outside but even bigger on the inside. Truthfully, I hadn’t really taken the time to sit and recognize my accomplishments. My friend calling me out had reminded me, in hindsight, that my summer trip was a big deal. As little as three years ago, I would have never thought a trip like this would have been possible for me. Yet here I was, on the other side of it, beaming with pride.

Let me sum it up for you…after our trip to California with my husband and sitter, I flew by myself with the kids from LA to Denver, where I rented a car, drove to meet my mom in Cheyenne, Wyoming (after a quick reunion with my dad for the first time in 20 years!) then followed her in her RV for a week across the entire state of Wyoming (stopping at multiple hotels and RV sites along the way) before flying out of Salt Lake City and back to Atlanta. Which sounds like no big deal. Unless you didn’t drive on the interstate without having panic attacks as recently as 3 years ago.

I often don’t give myself enough credit for my accomplishments, or I just keep them to myself. In my own perfectionist, striving way, if I do accomplish something, I tend to focus on how I still could’ve done better. I’ll look back on one thing I’ve done right and 10 things I’ve done wrong. The I’m not good enough lie tries to emerge victoriously time and time again.

As for not wanting to share, it’s like sometimes you feel silly getting excited about things no one understands or you feel like no one is interested in. But then there’s that one person you inspire, and you realize that no matter how uncomfortable or burdensome you feel, someone will benefit from your willingness to share. Which is the why of starting this blog years ago.

Anyway, let me go back to tooting my own horn for a minute…I did it!!! I managed to pull off a trip I used to only dream of doing on my own, and I intend to celebrate it. Way to go me!!! Chest bump, butt slap, high-five to myself!

Trail ride in Dubois, Wyoming

Sunset from 3 Spear Ranch

Grand Teton National Park

Top of mountain in Jackson Hole

To put my accomplishments into perspective (and because I’m a super-slow processor!) I looked back to the first blog I ever published, over 3 years ago. I was struggling beyond belief. I was a prisoner of my own mind, and I’d had enough. I was done feeling isolated and alone in my struggle. I knew there was a message that needed to come out of my mess, and I was ready to let that truth set me free. I knew my message would help not only myself but others, if I could only push through the fear. I remember the anticipation of putting everything out there after typing late into the night, the difficulty of sharing my struggle with anxiety and taking off the mask I had hid behind for so long. I was literally sick to my stomach about it.

What would people think about me?

Would I still be accepted and loved?

How the heck do I hit publish?!!!

And then just like that…I did it. It was all out there. The words poured out from the deepest spots in my heart, free to fall wherever they needed to land. Honestly, just knowing that I was putting everything out there, that I was shedding my mask, probably would’ve been enough. But when people started responding in such a positive way, thanking me for sharing and helping them in a way they never knew they needed, I knew there was a bigger purpose. My mess was the message they needed to hear.

When I wrote that entry years ago, I was knee-deep in paralyzing fear. I hadn’t driven on the interstate in over 6 years for more than an exit or two. I remember thinking, after years of being on various antidepressants and still not being able to jump over this debilitating hurdle, I needed to try my hand at exposure therapy; putting myself in actual real-time panic inducing situations while practicing the management tools I’d learned. Which meant point blank: I had to do the things I was most afraid of. Which for this stubborn girl, realising this meant some eye-rolling and a few temper-tantrums. But if I was ever going to overcome this, I had to put my big girl panties on and just do it. The more I practiced driving and realizing that my brain was actually lying to me, that I wasn’t going to die simply by driving on the interstate (well, hopefully!!), the more comfortable I was doing it.

So that’s exactly what I did. Armed with my new anxiety management tools I’d learned, I spent intentional time just driving. One day my goal would be to make it past an exit without having to get off. The next day it would be two exits. Of course some days I would regress, and I wouldn’t be able to stay on the road for long; rainy weather, traffic, driving at night, those were tough practice days. I had to celebrate my small victories, and realize that they would build upon each other, but it was tough in the moment. Failure threatened to thwart my efforts. But the more small goals I accomplished, the more I started to notice my confidence increase. I was chipping away at the wall separating me from my freedom, ever so slowly.

Soon enough, I was driving longer stretches. I even started driving on the interstate with my kids in tow, which was at the very top of my hierarchy of fears list. Eventually, I even drove myself to the beach, and drove the entire way home from the beach with the kids. I was doing it. Each accomplishment was beyond liberating.

One of my first “practice” drives

Which is why this recent trip was such a big deal. Although I have been driving on the interstate for the past few years, trekking across remote Wyoming and Utah by myself with the kids took things up a notch. I mean there were times on our drive when we wouldn’t pass a building or another car for almost a whole hour. Looking back, I really should’ve had some emergency supplies and a road atlas (duh) but we managed through our travels unscathed. I even flew with the kids by myself, another first for this mama that does not consider an aircraft her happy place.

But I did it!!!

Typical highway scenery in Wyoming

Driving into Grand Teton

My drive from Jackson to Salt Lake City looked like this ALOT

When you lose your GPS signal and have no road atlas, you end up taking the LONG way (the one in red!!!)

I DID IT.

Even though I was scared. Even though I worried about it for months. Even though my husband even worried about it and he’s not a worrier. Even though I had to pull over sometimes just to take a deep breath. Even though one day the winds on the interstate gusted close to 70 mph (at least I wasn’t in the RV like my poor mom!). Even though I got altitude sickness. Even though I lost my gps signal and ended up adding hours to one of my routes. Even though the kids wanted to listen to the same pop songs 800 times. Even though my kids used the bathroom on the side of the road more than once, and poor Allie soaked through a pair of tennis shoes while trying to pop a squat in the pouring rain somewhere in the middle of Utah. Ok, well, you get it.

I DID IT!!!!!! And, it was awesome.

My life will never be as worry-free as it used to be. I’m working on accepting that, as much as I mourn for those carefree days. But I’m doing life the best I can. I still have phobias and fears that rear their ugly heads and occasionally put me in the corner with shame and despair, but I’m also learning to be okay with having some limitations and boundaries when it comes to my triggers. I mean, if I don’t want to ride a subway ever again or go spelunking in a cave anytime soon, my life can still be pretty awesome right? I am learning that being up for everything in life is actually pretty unrealistic anyway.

So today, I will celebrate what I can do. I can travel freely and show my children the world little by little. I can award them the fresh perspective of new places and experiences. I can teach them that even though driving is not one of mommy’s favorite things, I found a way to do it, because we can do hard things if we try. Even if it takes awhile, it’s ok. We just have to try our best.

And that just maybe, if you take off the mask and share your story of how you practiced and worked and overcame the hard, scary things, it might help someone deal with the scary things in their life too. Because we are all struggling with something. We all need a kind word and a listening ear and a cheering section. We need to celebrate our accomplishments every day, no matter how small. We need to be living, breathing, affirmation givers.

Let your mess be a message. You never know who needs to hear it.